January 30th, 2014 - How to do bar flair

Before he went off the deep end into Scientology and all around nuttiness, Tom Cruise actually made some pretty great movies.  Top Gun, Jerry Maguire, Rain Man, Magnolia, A Few Good Men, the vastly underrated Vanilla Sky. Hell, 3 out of the 4 Mission: Impossible flicks have been been well worth the price of admission (with the second being the only read dud of the bunch).

But the 80iest of the 80's movies that showcases the Cruise's pre-Operating Thetan awesomeness is Cocktail.  Come on, who hasn't seen that movie and immediately wanted to go flip bottles around?

I know that I did.  So when Keith Ritter said that he could show me how to do bar flair, I jumped at the chance to learn.

 (For the YouTube version, go here)

I thought that my previous lessons in juggling would help me with this, and for the most part, I was right.  Because I've been practicing juggling off and on throughout the month, it helped a little with the coordination of this.

But it wasn't a lot of help.  To be honest, these two skills were completely different animals.  While juggling basically broke down to a routine of tosses repeated over and over again, flipping bottles, or "bar flair," is a performance.  There's an element of spontaneity to it, and a lot of ad-libbing.  To get to where Keith is at and where I currently am, there are about a million steps.

But as Coughlin says, life is just cocktails and dreams. So who knows, maybe one day, I'll dream hard enough to get this down too.

Just hide your breakables until then.  I've still got a lot to practice.

January 29th, 2014 - How to bake bread

As luck would have it, I have incredibly talented bakers in my life.  So far this month, I've learned how to make a Danish treat (ableskiver) and how to bake and decorate a cake.  It's been an anti-Atkins month, and I can certainly dig that.

To round out my lessons regarding baking, my boss, Kate McKeen, brought me back to the basics.  Tonight, she (and her mom) showed me how to bake bread.

The recipe I used was actually handed down through Kate's mom's family.  They had run a restaurant in West Virginia, and Kate's grandmother had gotten up at five o'clock each morning to start making bread.  I prefer to wake up around noon and go to the store to get mine, but to each their own.

I won't go into exact quantities, because it is a secret family recipe, but you get the idea...

To make this family style bread, you first dump in your flour and make a volcano in the middle of it, like so:

Tommy Lee Jones is down in there somewhere...

Next, add your other ingredients, except the yeast, into the volcano.  You mix the yeast in luke warm water (not too cold, or it won't mix well, and not too hot, or it will kill the yeast).  Once the yeast has dissolved into the water, you slowly pour this mixture into the volcano.

Doesn't that look like good bread?!

Next, you mix all of this together...it can get kind of messy...

When you are done mixing it together and it is nice and smooth, you fold it into a loaf like shape and put it into a bread pan to let it rise.  This can take at least an hour or so (or more than an episode of The Following).  Once the bread has risen, you pop it in the oven for another hour or so.  And what you get is something like this:

I might have used too much dough...

Elizabeth and I snacked on some of the bread and we found it to be quite good!  Aside from the length of time waiting, it really didn't take all that much effort at all. It's definitely something I can see doing again...at least until after this loaf is done.  Judging by the size of it, that will be early next year...



Other things I learned/looked up:
1) How to make snow cream! Elizabeth showed me how to make this "cool" (ha, see what I did there) treat last night with some of the remaining snow in our yard.  It was a mix of milk, vanilla extract, and sugar, and it's wayyyyyy better than that yellow snow I used to eat.  Wait...it was ok to eat that...right?

January 28th, 2014 - How to do reflexology

 

It was a snowy day today here in North Carolina, which not only meant that I got to go on my yearly sledding expedition, but also that access to in-person gurus was limited.  One of my favorite things to do, however, is to curl up with a book. So since it was the next best thing, I decided to pick a "how-to" book from the shelf and see what it could teach me.  And what Chris McLaughlin and Nicola Hall and the folks over at Natural Health taught me was how to do reflexology.

About a year ago, Elizabeth bought me a gift certificate to a reflexology place.  It was one of those LivingSocial deals, the kind that you buy because it's on sale and because that's the only way you'd go there in the first place.  How many crappy restaurants have been visited, or vineyard tours taken, or subscriptions to Zoobooks have been purchased because of this, the world may never know.

I did end up using the LivingSocial deal, and found the place in an odd hippie commune in an old rec building here in Greensboro.  The practitioner, a very nice man who ran the practice with his wife, told me all about the healing powers of reflexology and how he had gotten into it (his wife had talked him into it was the gist of that story).  And while he was very sincere and was again very kind, I couldn't help but eye roll when he started discussing how he could improve people's energies.  Not only was he a trained reflexologist, but he was also a master of reiki and could channel a person's energy and change their overall well being.

"Cough, cough, bullshit, cough, cough," is an appropriate response to anyone who says this kind of thing.

But aside from this Jedi Master claiming to essentially use the Force (it's not real, buddy, I've been trying to do that for decades), the reflexology session was actually very relaxing.  I felt much calmer after leaving, and I even recommended that others check it out (although I did warn them about Obi-Wan).

Until today, that was really my only contact with reflexology, which for the uninitiated is the manipulation of the feet, hands, or ears to ease tension in other parts of the body.  According to reflexologists, pressure points in these areas correspond to organs, appendages, and bodily systems.  A rudimentary map of reflexology can be found here:

Elizabeth got to be my guinea pig, but no, there are no videos of this.  I'm a Tarantino fan, I just don't share his foot fetish. I didn't dive all the way into this, however...because it's a load of nonsense.  Instead, I focused on basic foot relaxation, which does have many benefits, aside from just feeling good. 

To perform a good relaxing session of reflexology, there are many things to remember.  Using a finger to press or a thumb to press can create different results, as can different amounts of pressure.  It's important to keep contact with the subject, moving from one area to another smoothly and without a change in speed or pressure.

The basic sequence went as follows:

1) Gently rotate toes with one hand while firmly holding the foot in the other.
2) Use both hands to wring the foot, placing your thumbs into the soles of the foot.
3) Rotate ankles much like you did with the individual toes.
4) Finally, press with your knuckles directly into the middle of the sole, right below where the toes meet the foot, and encourage rhythmic and relaxed breathing.  This is a pressure point that corresponds with the solar plexus, and it's apparently supposed to induce deep relaxation.

Ok, so it's basically a foot rub with some mysticism thrown into it.  The book went into further detail about how to cure everything from headaches to allergies to reproductive disorders. Unfortunately, I'm too much of a cynic to think that this kind of treatment can be the cure for real medical problems.  But, do I think that this kind of treatment can win you brownie points and end with a relaxed fiance?  Absolutely!

January 27th, 2014 - How to take a proper golf swing

There could be a whole year long blog regarding the instruction and understanding of this particular lesson.  But since I had just come back from Las Vegas and was running on approximately -45 days worth of sleep, my guru, Tony Robinson, decided to go easy on me.  Instead of breaking down each and every step, he taught me how to develop a rhythm to my shot.  With practice, this would develop into the proper golf swing.

I am sure that there are thousands upon thousands upon thousands of videos out there showing how to take the proper swing.  It amazes me that approximately 1 million things have to go right for a swing to connect just the right way for the ball to go where you want it to go.  Grip the club, keep your head down, keep your arm straight, bend your knees, stand away from the ball, line up the ball, check the wind, find a target, ..., ...

What Tony showed me was that thinking too much about all of these things would prevent it from actually happening.  Developing a rhythm would take my mind out of it, because I would be so used to shooting the exact same way that I wouldn't focus on all the little things.  Instead, I would just swing.

Apparently, playing golf is something that takes a lifetime to get marginally good at, so I better get going on it as soon as possible.  Luckily, with support like Tony (who clearly was an awesome coach at Montreat), I think I'm off to a good start.

Just don't park your car near any driving range I visit.  I have no idea where the ball is going.

January 26th, 2014 - How to fold a shirt in less than 5 seconds

While I have enjoyed learning all of the different things that I have been taught this month, there are some that I can see myself using more than others.  Today's lesson would be one of these such skills.  Today, I asked Josh Morris, my best man, to help me pack for my return trip from Las Vegas.  In return, he showed me how to fold a shirt in less than 5 seconds.

Now if I can just find someone to do that for me...


Other things I learned/looked up:

1) You can do a bachelor party in Las Vegas and still make it out alive and without losing teeth or marrying a stripper.  Ok, maybe the losing teeth thing is going to happen no matter what...

January 25th, 2014 - How to "light paint"

I didn't need this blog to teach me that Eben Hall and Joel Desmond are incredibly talented.  Both have found success in photography, videography, and digital media.  It makes me incredibly proud (and jealous) to see the amazing things that they do on a daily basis.  The closest I've gotten to this is staring in two of Eben's early videos, Promiscuous Lars and All I Want for Christmas is Lars.  He went on to win an Emmy...I guess you gotta start somewhere...

But parading around in short shorts or an elf costume is not true talent.  That's found behind the camera. So today, while in glitzy and glamorous Las Vegas, I asked these two to show me how to do something creative with the camera.  They decided to show me how to "light paint."

Other things I learned/looked up:

1) How to order at the In-N-Out! Apparently, there is a secret menu that you have to ask for specially.  I was advised by my West Coast colleagues (Josh and Eben), to order my burger and fries "Animal Style."  This means that my normal burger and fries came with a helping of grilled onions, cheese, and secret sauce.  And holy crap, it was awesome!

Awesome sauce indeed!

January 24th, 2014 - How to survive a fall from 855 feet

I've always been a bit of a thrill seeker.  I've been bungee jumping before, and I've done a wide assortment of slingshot type rides more times than I can remember.  I've even gone skydiving (and over some parts of New Hampshire, I think that you can still hear me screaming).

So when we went to Las Vegas this weekend for my bachelor party, I was immediately intrigued by one of the adds that I saw when doing my research about things to do in the City of Sin.  It was for the Skyjump at the Stratosphere Resort and Casino.  The jump promised thrills and chills as you took an elevator to the 108th floor, and then jumped off, falling 855 feet, all to land safely on the ground.

I had to find out how to survive a fall from 855 feet, so today, I went into action.

I discovered upon arrival that in order to survive this kind of fall, you really just need a decelerator.  Decelerators are used to create a controlled fall that will gradually slow the fall of an individual.  You can find them in use in many Hollywood movies (think Hans Gruber's tumble off the Nakatomi Tower in Die Hard).

The word "gradual" apparently has a different meaning in Vegas than the one I was accustomed to (see video as to why this is so).  But I survived to tell the tale nonetheless!

Other things I learned/looked up:

1)  The Hooters Casino is to Vegas as Mos Eisley is to Tattooine...in that you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy (Personal research)

January 23rd, 2014 - How to throw cards

 

As a true fan of the X-Men before the films came out, I feel that it took entirely too long for the character of Gambit to be featured on the big screen.  The Cajun superhero that could infuse objects with energy and hurl them like bombs deserved better than an appearance in the fourth (and worst) film of the series.  Oh what could have been...

Gambit could turn anything he could get his grubby little hands on into a bomb, but his weapon of choice was usually a deck of cards.  As I was in Las Vegas, and I had an abundance of said cards, I decided that this was a prime opportunity to pay homage to a mutant who didn't get his due.  I asked my brother, Lukas Farabee, to show me how to throw cards.

Other things I learned/looked up:
1) Craps is maybe the most addictive (and fun) games to play at the casino (Extensive personal research)
2) Cognac pairs really well with late night craps games (More extensive personal research)
3) You can lose a lot of money while playing craps and drinking cognac (Unfortunately, this was also learned through extensive personal research)

January 22nd, 2014 - How to hula hoop

There are certain childhood games that I didn't grow up with.  Playing hopscotch is one.  Doing the double dutch on jump rope is another.  Basically anything that involved me jumping up and down on one foot was out, as this would have let to all manner of scrapes and bruises and a general concussed feeling.

There are also certain toys that I missed out on growing up.  Sure, I tried the Skip-It...and made it to about 3. Doing the hula hoop, however, was something that I also missed out on.  I was busier playing with my Star Trek Transporter playset to be bothered by a ring of plastic.

So today, I decided to get back to basics and try my hand at it.  I asked Sally Farrar, who said she was a pro, to teach me how to hula hoop.

Yes...it was pretty ugly.  But that was the best that I had ever done in my entire life, so I guess that's something!

I'm still staying away from the Skip-It.  My record looks like it's pinned at 3...

January 21st, 2014 - How to make/decorate a cake

As I've said in previous lessons, I'm getting better at cooking.  Moving in with someone who doesn't view "Spam sandwiches" as an acceptable dinner has required that I do so.  There is one area, however, that I haven't quite mastered.  And that would be baking.

Let me qualify that by saying that I can follow the recipe on a cake box or brownie mix with ease.  But I had never attempted baking something from scratch, until today.  This was a two part lesson, starting the night before, so I had two gurus.  First, my fiance Elizabeth showed me how to make the cake and the icing.

Now, when it comes to dessert, I'm really more of a pie guy.  Cherry is my favorite, but pecan, pumpkin, and coconut cream are all contenders for the title.  With that being said, there is one kind of cake that trumps all cakes, and all pies as well.  That would be the carrot cake with cream cheese icing.  It really doesn't get any better than that.

So of course, for my first time making a cake from start to finish, I decided to go with my favorite.  I used a Kitchen Aid Mixer and some great recipes that I found, and I came up with three cakes and a tub of icing.  The process was much like make the abelskiver, as it involved mixing eggs, flower, baking soda, and salt.  There was also some vanilla extract thrown in, as well as carrots and almonds.  And love.  Lots and lots of love.

One of said cakes and the tub of icing...

I brought the cakes into work, where Dana Cummings showed me how to decorate it.  First, we put the first layer on to her rotating cake table.

A lazy susan for cakes!

Next, I applied some of the icing on to the top of the cake.  We decided to make what is called a "naked cake," which is apparently in fashion now (that's what Dana said at least).  This means that you do not ice the sides, but instead only put icing on the top of the cakes.

The first layer...

Then, I stacked a second layer of cake on to the top of this one.

Very serious about my cake placement...

Dana then showed me how to do the "swirl technique":

First, press the icing knife into the middle of the cake and begin turning the cake table

Continue swirling out...

Until you get something like this!

Once I got the swirl down, I practiced making carrots.  To do this, I combined food coloring with some of the left over icing.

Baby Carrots

When I was confident enough, I put them on the real thing.

The finished product!

Judging by how quickly the cake was eaten by my co-workers, I think that it was resounding success!  What surprised me the most was how easy this was.  Cake Boss, watch out, because I'm coming for ya!

January 20th, 2014 - How to throw a curveball

I played baseball up until the ninth grade.  It started with tee-ball, and progressed to coach-pitch leagues.  Then came the mind-numbing years directly after coach pitch where maybe 1 in every 10 made it in the vicinity of the plate.  There's a video my dad made of one these games.  In the video, you can actually see the camera shake and bob.  It's not because anything seismically happened on that day in Maine.  It's because my dad fell asleep while filming.

Little League came next.  In the Bath Recreational District, Little League was divided into two groups, the Majors and the Minors (judging by my prowess in other physical endeavors, I'll let you guess what group I ended up starting in).  I did get better, and when I moved to New Orleans for middle school, I was a pretty adept 1st Baseman. I did, on occasion, "pitch."  I say "pitch" because I did stand on the mound and I did throw the ball in the direction of the batter.  Henry Rowengartner I was not, and there was no Rookie of the Year awards in my future.

After ninth grade, I picked up the sport of lacrosse and left baseball behind.  It wasn't that I was particularly better at lacrosse (I wasn't).  I just thought it looked cool.  But because the mechanics behind throwing a lacrosse ball and a baseball are entirely different, it's easy to believe that in the nearly 15 years since I had played, my skills on the diamond had diminished completely. Before today, I really couldn't say when the last time was that I actually threw a baseball.

So it was with trepidation that I asked Joe Cristy to show me something that I hadn't learned in my Little League days.  Today, I asked him to show me how to throw a curveball.

Of course, I was throwing it at a much slower speed and at a closer distance than anyone in the pros, which makes what they do all the more impressive.  With that being said, for my first time trying this, I thought it came out pretty well!

Joe said that my arm release made it better for me to throw a slider, which is a similar movement type of pitch.  He said that people are basically built to throw different pitches based on how their tendons and their muscles are aligned, and that throwing outside of your comfort zone is what causes real damage.  Based on how sore my arm felt afterwards, I think it's safe to say that I am not built to throw the curve.

That being said, I think that pitches like this reaffirm my love of the guys on the mound that throw junk.  Yes, fastballs are impressive, and the Nuke Lalooshes of the world have their place.  But it's the finesse guys that make things interesting.  The slider, the cutter, and yes, the curveball, help to make the game an artform.

January 19th, 2014 - How to play the spoons

I have very musically inclined friends.  I've already learned the nose flute and the violin this month, and I've had several offers of piano lessons from others that I decided not to include in this project.  I have friends that have performed at Carnegie Hall, and I have friends that tour cross country.

The closest that I have gotten to Rock God status is a flawless performance of "Freebird" on Medium on Guitar Hero II.

So today, to add to my musical repertoire, I asked Wes Forbus to show me how to play another instrument.  His band, The Menders, have been tearing up the local music scene in Charlotte, and have even been featured on the new independent web series, Eat Men Like Air.  If you're in the area, check 'em out!

Wes plays a variety of instruments, but today he showed me something a little folksier than what he usually includes in Menders sets.  Today, Wes showed me how to play the spoons.

It's just that simple.  Of course, a healthy dose of rhythm is required, and I think that I used all of mine up during the course of this lesson.

This lesson does beg the question:  if spoons sound like this...what do sporks sound like?



Other things I learned/looked up:

1) Playing the spoons actually has it's origins in Celtic music.  Celtic musicians would use animals bones to create clacking percussion sounds (thanks for the info, Wes!)  Luckily for me and for this lesson, spoons were eventually used as a substitute.

January 18th, 2014 - How to do hair

Our lives consist of quite a bit of waiting around.  We wait for our food to arrive at our table.  We wait in line at the gas station to pay for gas.  We wait on hold, listening to terrible muzak, while some faceless individual processes our requests over the phone.  We wait for our beers to chill, our burgers to grill, and our video games to load.  We wait, we wait, we wait.

After getting engaged and moving in with my fiance, I've discovered a whole new arena of waiting that I had not been privy to beforehand.  And that arena is waiting for a woman to get ready.  Specifically, waiting for a woman to do her hair.

As a guy, I've never had to worry too much about my hair.  My cursory glance in the morning mirror is to check that a) it's not on fire and b) it's still there and hasn't fallen out over night and c) my night terrors haven't turned it white.  Other than that, it's a quick comb or a quick tousle and it's out the door for me.

My fiance isn't like that...at all.  There's gadgets and gizmos aplenty.  There's whozits and whatzits galore.  You want thingamabobs...well, you get the idea.  Getting her hair ready for a night out is something that takes quite a bit of time, and I've never understood why.

Until today.

Today, I asked Elizabeth's former roommate, Merrill Turner, to come over and show me how to do Elizabeth's hair.  I now see why I spend so much time waiting around.  And I can see why it's worth the wait.

Other things I learned/looked up:

1) Elizabeth's haircut is a variation of what's known as a "bob."  Vidal Sassoon perfected this cut, and would even have clients hung upside down so he could cut their hair that way (and charge an exorbanant fee in the process).  This was known as the "five point haircut."  (Thanks Merrill!)

January 17th, 2014 - How to do a cartwheel

If the handstand lesson didn't give you an indication of my lack of balance, I don't know what will.  But in the spirit of this month, I wanted to try learn to overcome this and attempt another acrobatic feat.  A backflip would have resulted in paralysis, so that was out.  And my office removed the uneven bars in the conference room, so that was out too.  So instead, I decided to ask Julee Mitsler to teach me how to do a cartwheel.

Those used to be a lot easier to do when I was little (I also didn't have an alcohol enhanced belly when I was little, so I guess that's understandable).  But I left today unscathed, and that's all I can hope for when going ass over tea kettle.  A little practice (and a lot less belly), and I should be getting the hang of those in no time!



Other things I learned/looked up:
1) When going to a Wailers concert, one cannot expect that the band will find the stage on time (discovered through personal research)

January 17th, 2014 - How to change an in-cabin air filter

My knowledge of cars is rather...limited. I can change a flat tire, and I can use jumper cables. I know that gas makes the car go. I can check the oil...but I can't change it.  If anything starts steaming or shaking...well, it's time to get a new car.

I want to become more handy, and basic car maintenance is high on the list of things that I need to know.  So today, I wanted to learn how to fix something on a car that I didn't previously know how to do.  I knew that I wasn't going to dive in and learn how to do something major (like replacing an engine...that's something you do, right?)  Instead, I decided to shoot for something easy to learn.  To help, I asked Denise Sealy to show me how to change an in-cabin air filter.

For those that don't know (which included myself before today), the in-cabin air filter cleans air coming in to the car (thank you owner's manual!)  While knowing how to change one won't get me on an Indy pit crew anytime soon, it does give me the confidence to learn more.  Engine replacement...here I come!

January 16th, 2014 - How to make Danish food!

For those of you that don't know, my mom and dad are currently on a two year adventure in Denmark.  Dad's working on designing a ship over there, and my mom wasn't going to let him gallivant with Hans Christian Andersen alone. Empty nesting in Europe...not too shabby indeed.

I am excited for them for many reasons, but the biggest is that now I have a couch to crash on in Europe. Even better is that it's a Scandanavian couch. If you can't tell from my name, I draw some of my heritage from that part of the world. Norway, to be specific, but Denmark is close enough to get the job done!

So it was my desire to pay homage to my roots and to my parent's current home that led me to today's lesson. Kyle Christiansen, who's family line extends back to Scandanavia as well, invited me over to teach me some Danish cooking. Specifically, Kyle taught me how to make ableskiver (able-skee-ver).

 
Here's how to do it:

 

First, divide three eggs

  

Next, mix milk, flour, salt, sugar, and baking powder into a mixer

 

 Next, add the egg yolks and start mixing again.  Add the egg whites last.

 

This is an abelskiver pan.  It's only function is to make abelskivers.  It's a nice gig.

  

Add a little butter to the bottom of each hole in the pan

 

Add some batter to each of the holes and let them fry for a minute or two

 

Flip the abelskivers over so the other side browns.  You want them to be light brown

to brown on the outside and a little crispy, but still doughy and soft in the middle...like me.

 

After a few minutes the ableskivers should look like this!

Now, I must admit that before today, my thought on Scandanavian cooking was that most of it was based on a dare (anyone that has experienced lutefisk probably agrees). But the ableskiver was fantastic and versatile. It could be eaten as a sweeter dish with jam and cinnamon and sugar. It could be more savory with chives and smoked salmon. And because the portion size was small, I didn't feel like I was stuffing my face (this fact was negated after I ate over half the pan).

I'm getting better at cooking, and I'm always ready to learn new recipes. I'm excited that there are things out there like the ableskiver, waiting to be cooked.

Now I just need one of those funny looking pans.



Other things I learned/looked up:

1) What a "uni-tasker" is. (A tool that only has one function. A perfect example is an ableskiver pan. Not much else you can do with that!)

January 15th, 2014 - How to curse in Yiddish

Greetings, you mensches! Today's lesson came from a love of learning about cultures that are not my own. During my Holiday Month project, I celebrated a holiday each day during the month of January.  I celebrated Chinese holidays and African holidays and Muslim holidays, and I loved them all.  But of all the holidays that I celebrated,  I enjoyed the Jewish holidays the most.

It was mostly because they were the holidays that I was least familiar with, growing up in small town Maine with a negligible Jewish population.  But it was also because they resonated for me in a very real way.  They were religious ceremonies that were more about remembrance and celebrating ones family heritage.  They were reminders to enjoy your faith, not lament it.

This was reinforced when last year, I attended my first temple service for my Spice of Life project. Joel Fingerhut graciously let Elizabeth and I tag along with him, and I was amazed by how positive the whole experience was for me.  It was like no other religious service I attended.  Gone were the strict dogma and promises of damnation without compliance that I remembered from my youth (ok, so my cynicism has probably colored many of these recollections, but you get the gist of the idea).  Instead, I felt like I was attending an orientation meeting for the Justice League.  I was encouraged to be righteous.  All I needed was a cape and some Batarangs and I'd be all set!

So in keeping with my love of Jewish culture, I asked Joel to once again act as my Yiddish guide.  This time around, I wanted to learn something really important.  I'd done the cooking the first go around, and the second time I had learned about the faith.  This time, I wanted Joel to teach me how to curse in Yiddish.

Ok, so I sound like the little girl from The Monster Squad before she sends Dracula and his henchmen back to the Phantom Zone.  But with a little practice, I'm sure I can get it.  You try!

A groys gesheft zol er hobn mit shroye, vus er hot, zol men bay im nit fregn, un vos men fregt zol er nisht hobn.

What amazed me about the lesson was how specific the Jewish curses were.  Sure, you had your "full of shit" (farcockt), and your "Holy shit" (Oy gevalt).  You also had shmegegi, which is the word for "idiot," and kush mich in toches, which means "kiss my ass."  But then you had some that might require the insultee to be strapped to a chair while the insulter hurled verbal missiles at them.

For example, you have A ruech in dayn tatns zun arayn, which translates to "May a demon take your father's father."  Or Zolst azoy farfoylt vern az tsign, tchoyrn, un chazirim zoln zid opzogn tsu forn mit dir in eyn fur, which means "May you rot so badly that goats, skunks and pigs will decline to travel in the same cart as you.

Or this little gem, which may be my favorite besides the one that I tried with Joel: Vern zol fun dir a blintshik in fun is a kats. Er sol dir oyfesn un mit dir zin dervargn - volt men fun ayn beydn ptur gevorn.  Which translates to, "May you turn into a pancake and he into a cat. He should eat you and choke on you - that way we will be rid of you both."

Burn!


Other things I learned/looked up:

1) I had seen it on Facebook last year, but I crowd-sourced this one and it was confirmed that you can bring mini-bottles on airplanes and serve yourself. My flight to Vegas next week got a lot more interesting!

January 14th, 2014 - How to shag

One of my mom's favorite movies is Shag, staring Phoebe Cates and Bridget Fonda.  It's a coming of age story about a group of girls enjoying a weekend in 1960s Myrtle Beach.  And it's centered around a dance that plays an incredibly important part in my life.

The shag is a regional dance that is found primarily in the Carolinas.  It has ties with great beach music groups like The Drifters, The Coasters, and the Tams, and classic Motown acts like Sam Cooke, The Supremes, and The Temptations.  As this is some of my favorite music of all time, it's easy to see why learning how to shag would be a fun endeavor for me.

I asked one of the shag experts in my office, Laney Morris, to show me a thing or two about this dance.  I've worked with Laney for more than seven years now, so my biggest concern was to not break her feet.  Luckily, no one was harmed in the course of this lesson.

But there is another reason why I wanted to learn the shag today.  My parents met shagging, so you might say that without this dance, I wouldn't be here typing about learning it.  I owe the shag a lot, and I fully intend to put it to use in a couple of months.  Hopefully I'll have it down pat by the time April rolls around!


Other things I learned/looked up:

1) Scientology is nuts. I'm sure that this is not news to anyone who has seen the Tom Cruise video or heard rumors about it's "space opera" origin story.  But check out "Going Clear" by Lawrence Wright, which I finished reading today.  I picked it up last week to answer a question I had about the bad guy's name in Scientology (Xenu...a despotic space overlord), and decided to read the whole thing.  And what I found was that the crazy only BEGINS at Xenu.  It gets worse after that.

January 13th, 2014 - How to play "London Rummy"

As any good nerd should say, video games have always had a special place in my heart.  But what I really love are board games and card games.  I'm better at some than others (I wish that my Monopoly skills translated to my wallet), and for some I still need a lot of practice (Lady Gaga would have no problem reading my my my my poker face).  But even the ones that I'm not all that great at are still fun, and I'm always interested in learning new games.

Today, Jamie Kirschner showed me a game that her family created. It's a Kirschner original called "London Rummy," and I can see it getting pretty addictive.

What I really enjoyed about this lesson was not so much the game itself (it really is just a spin on Gin Rummy with some Phase 10 thrown into the mix).  What I enjoyed the most was that this was a game that Jamie obviously has spent years playing.  Each draw of a card brought back another time and another game surrounded by family.  Stupid mistakes long ago made (like discarding a Joker) had led to a family joke that still gets told each time the game is played.  And the promise of that ultimate win, completing level 8 with the perfect card, was never out of reach because she had seen it accomplished many times.

These little family games and family rules are what I like most about board games and card games.  Video games are exciting and the graphics on the newer systems are out of this world.  But there's something special about sitting around a table with your family and playing a game.  Maybe you played Monopoly a little differently than the family down the street (we always started with two properties for every player at the start of the game).  Maybe the Uno cards you played with had special creases, so you knew when the Draw Four card was on it's way down to ruin your evening.

And maybe, like the Kirschners, you went ahead and made up your own game.  Just like you had made up your own family.  I'm glad that I got to be an honorary Kirschner for the day, and that I got to learn their game.

Because I am TOTALLY going to steal it.

January 12th, 2014 - How to say the Greek alphabet

To say that I loved college would be an understatement.  My undergraduate years were a fantastic voyage of self-discovery (the parts that I can remember).  My graduate program helped to inspire and challenge me into becoming a more learned individual.  Hell, I loved college so much that I ended up working for one right after graduation, and I've been here for more than seven years and I don't see myself leaving any time soon.

With that being said, there are specific parts of the college experience that I missed.  I didn't get the chance to do a semester abroad, and I didn't play on a college team (University of Maine at Farmington apparently didn't sanction binging on PBR and pizza a Division III sport).

UMF also didn't offer fraternities or sororities, which I am sure that many associate with the typical college experience.  It was something that I myself had envisioned when I was going through the college search process. Thank Animal House, Van Wilder, Revenge of the Nerds, PCU, and any number of movies that feature the Greeks for that.  So because of this, I didn't get a chance to rush and join a fraternity.  That whole part of college is something that I completely missed out on.

In an effort to reclaim some of that missed opportunity, I asked my fiance, Elizabeth, to help me "go Greek." And the first step of this was how to say the Greek alphabet.

I don't think the fellas at Lambda Lambda Lambda will be calling me any time soon to see if I want to join up. But at least when Booger and the boys call to give me an alphabet quiz, I'll be ready.


Other things I learned/looked up:

1) The Super G Mart on Market Street in Greensboro is basically like wandering into another country...one where fermented duck eggs are a hot commodity (Learned from personal research)

January 11th, 2014 - How to "sing" a song in sign language

Before last night, my knowledge of sign language really only amounted to a certain one finger salute that shows displeasure for someone else.  That someone else is usually an asshole.

To change that, I asked Bethann Flaherty to help me learn some more signs.  Specifically, Bethann showed me how to "sing" a song in sign language.  As my voice is something not to be confused with anything resembling melody, I feel like this has opened up a whole new world for me.


Yes, I'm dressed like Lloyd Dobler for this lesson.  And like Lloyd, my assault on sign language world begins now!

 It's as easy as that! Now, it might not be a song that I'll have occasion to sing often, but it was encouraging to know that with a little practice, I could learn it without much difficulty.  I should be moving on to the hits in no time!

I'm betting that "Freebird" is just going to be a lot of air guitar.

January 10th, 2014 - How to crochet

Because I would rather spend my money on beer, going out with friends, and a wide assortment of nerdy distractions, I have become quite adept at sewing my own clothes.  I can reattach buttons that fly off the cuffs of sleeves.  I can repair hems that come undone from a misplaced foot shooting through a pant leg.  Holes in my socks? Not a problem.  Holes in my underwear...ok maybe I'll draw the line there and just buy new underwear.

But with that being said, I have never learned how to do more than the basic stuff that required only a small sewing kit.  So today, I asked Catie Morgan to show me how to undertake the art of crocheting.

Ok so maybe I'm not THAT good yet.  But I think that I have the skills now to attempt a basic scarf.  Check back at the end of the month to see my progress!


Other things that I learned/looked up:

1) Catie also showed me how to pour a bottle of wine without having that annoying drip run down the side of the bottle (it's all about the twist when you're finished pouring).

January 9th, 2014 - How to quill

My mom was the crafty one in our house.  Anyone that's ever met her inevitably draws comparisons to Martha Stewart.  It's a good thing.

I'd like to think that I have inherited some of her craftiness.  I've painted light bulbs to look like little Supermen to use as Christmas ornaments.  I've wrapped picture frames in maps to help decorate my upcoming wedding.  And even the crafts that I don't know how to do are at least familiar to me (some of them I might learn this month!)

But today, I asked Heather Livengood to help teach me a craft that I had never heard of...

Heather is really good at it, and it's obvious that it's something that she's been practicing at for a little while...

To start you take a strip of paper and use a rolling tool.  Quilling kits come with pre-cut strips and tools, but I am pretty certain that you can rig something up at home without them.

 Each design has different things that you need to do with the paper.  For most (at least the designs that I saw), the basic thing to do is to roll the paper in a loose circle.  You glue the end back on to itself so it stays intact.

After a little folding and gluing, I was able to create this little guy...

And after some more gluing and folding, I came up with the finished product...

My gift tag with the little balloons (and those ARE balloons, not fish) is clearly a first attempt.  But apparently, if you get good at it, you can create something incredible.  Heather introduced me to the work of Yulia Brodskay.  She is a quilling artist that has produced masterpieces like this:

And this...

And this...

Those are all just strips of paper.  Pretty amazing what something so small can amount to in the end.




Other things I learned/looked up today:

1) The black end of a violin bow is called a "frog" (thanks a lot, Dad!)

January 8th, 2014 - How to play the violin

My dad played the violin in high school, and he was actually quite good at it.  He was also good at the banjo, and the mandolin, and the yukele, and the...

...ok so my jealousy is going to show it's ugly head if I continue so I'll just stop there.

My musical abilities didn't quite follow suit.  I played the flute in middle school (always good for a laugh), but I stopped once I was in high school and realized that it was a real hindrance to me kissing a girl and a real catalyst for someone to kick the shit out of me. So today, I wanted to give it another shot and honor my dad by attempting to play the violin. I asked my co-worker, Alyssa Romeo, to show me the ropes.

A gentle warning, earplugs might be a good idea at this time...

I'm sure that there are cats throughout the greater Piedmont Triad area that were enticed into mating after hearing the screeches coming from my violin playing.  Apparently this is an instrument that takes a lifetime of practice to master!

In all seriousness, the violin was a LOT harder to play that I had imagined.  It's an extremely delicate instrument, with a bow made of horsehair and a tiny neck not suited for fat fingers.  It requires you to move the bow against the force of your arm and to fluidly move from string to string.  It's the fluid part that gets me, as it requires rhythm and dexterity, both of which I lack to an epic degree.

The finger placement also threw me for a loop, as I was used to very clear directions from the instruments I had played (put these keys down for B, put these down for B flat, etc.).  So judging by pitch in order to correct where I put my fingers was a challenge.

Today's lesson gave me a better appreciation for all of those orchestra members that have turned this little wooden instrument into something that produces some of the most beautiful sounds in the world.  It amazes me that the same cringe inducing "music" can come from the same instrument that is featured in the the finest concertos and operas in history.

Learning what it takes to play the violin also gave me a better appreciation for my dad.  This is a hard instrument to learn, and my dad picked it up with no visible injuries to speak of.  And that is a reason for admiration.

And jealousy.  Lots and lots of jealousy.

January 7th, 2014 - How to do Olympic style lifts

We are now in the year 2014, which means that in a few short months, I'm going to be get married.  Yikes, time certainly does fly.

I have never been a peak physical specimen.  There have been times when I looked positively gaunt (apparently my metabolism in high school didn't get the memo about me being only one person and decided instead to work for four).  There have been times when I looked, well, the opposite of positively gaunt (thanks beer and late night runs to Cook-Out).  I'm somewhere in the middle now, and while I look better than the day I asked my fiance to marry me, I'd still like to not test the tensile strength of my belt on my wedding day. So because of this, I've undertaken some healthier decisions for the new year.

One of these is to exercise more, which has been a struggle for me in the past.  I've had an a problem going to a gym even when I was at my fittest.  Now, my complex is even worse.  To paraphrase Patton Oswalt, I look like an anthropomorphic pot of noodles when I run on a treadmill.

I've tried going to a gym several times, and actually had a membership for a while.  I realized that I was in trouble when I went to sign up.  I was asked by the incredibly fit/cut/chiseled meat-head trainer what my fitness goals were. "Be able to fight Ivan Drago" or "Cut weight so I can wrestle Shute" were options that I considered.  The real goal, however, was not to get sweaty when I went up a flight of stairs...

The membership fee turned into nothing more than a "fat tax" because I stopped going.

But this is a year of change, and now I really do have a worthwhile goal, which is to look good for my wedding (although fighting Ivan would still be a worthy endeavor). And to this, I enlisted Bill Deitrick to show me some Olympic style lifts.

We started off with the basics.  Some of these I had actually attempted before, but I had not had the proper techniques shown to me. Some of them I had seen and thought "Nope, not for me, I will rip out my insides if I try that."  Luckily, that didn't happen.

The Squat focuses on strengthening the core and the lower body. You start with your feet outside of your shoulders.  They should be turned out, and your knees should be out as well.  You should have a flat back throughout the exercise.  The weight should be in your legs and your heels as you move through the exercise.

 
The Deadlift is the most basic and easiest in terms of motion.  It is also generally the one that will use the most weight.  You start with your feet shoulder width apart. You should have a flat back throughout the exercise.  Keep the bar guided along your shins and knees as you pull it up to your thighs.  Move straight up, instead of swinging your arms out to get the bar up.

 The Snatch is first of the Olympic lifts that I attempted. I had seen this done during the games, and WOW was I certain that I would end up either with a nose bleed or peeing myself (which I believe are the only two outcomes in this particular Olympic event).  You start with your feet under your shoulders in a jump stance.  As with the others, have a flat black throughout the exercise.  You bring the bar up close to you, get your elbows high, and in one fluid motion drop down under the bar and lock your arms.  Then you stand up.

The Clean and Jerk is last lift that I attempted, and it was the one that gave me the most trouble.  You start with your feet under your shoulders in a jump stance, and you have a flat black throughout the exercise.  You bring the bar up close to you, get your elbows high, and bring the bar up to chest level.  Snap your wrists over, so the bar is resting on the top of your chest and arms.  Reset, then explode upwards and drop down under the bar and lock your arms.  Then you stand up.  It is basically a Snatch broken up into two parts.

 
Am I ready to be on Hanz and Franz, and am I ready to pump...*clap*...you up?  No.  A resounding no.

However, this lesson did get me excited about exercising again.  I'd been leery of those big racks at the end of the gym, mostly because it was filled with people with arms bigger than my legs.  But now I have the confidence to step up and try.  I've got a little more than three months to get where I want to be, so there's no time like the present.



Other things I learned/looked up:

1) The laws of North Carolina are incredibly inadequate when it comes to dogs.  Even in this record breaking cold snap that we have all been experiencing, North Carolina allows dog owners to keep their dogs outside as long as they have a "dog-house," which does not have to be insulated. (Learned from a frustrating call to the Guilford County Animal Control about the dog next door that has been outside for the past few days).